tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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