Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
