if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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