More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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