'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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