it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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