omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
