She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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