ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
