I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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