I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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