Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
