I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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