there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
