If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
