1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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