He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
