The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
