Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
