So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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