just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize