Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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