I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
