Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Less talking, more tequila
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
