My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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