My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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