someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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