I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
party gras won. party gras always wins.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
