He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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