Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
