bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Randomize
