They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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