It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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