is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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