So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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