why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
