dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
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