this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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