And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
