I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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