I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
