Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
