I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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