So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
