He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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