smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
