Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
