My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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