Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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