i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
