Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
