In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
