you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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