i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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