Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
