Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
